A major Earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale hit Cork in the early hours this morning and the epicenter was on the “Northside” of the city.
When I arrived on the scene in Churchfield early this morning victims could be seen wandering aimlessly about muttering “What the Fucks goin on boy?” “Stony Mad Feen”
“Ah me fucking gaff’s ruined” and ‘What are you looking at ya Langer”.
Local FAS trainee engineer “Shazza Flynn” said large areas have been decimated causing at least €80 worth of damage. He also stated that several priceless collections of mementoes from Santa Ponsa and Butlins were totally destroyed. Three local areas of
Historical burned out squad cars were also disturbed by the Quake.
Many were woken this morning before their Dole Cheques arrived, As we speak locals are running around in string vests enquiring “Was de postman hurt sham”.
One resident, Kylie-Shakira Mullins, a 15yr old mother of five said “It was such a shock,
the noise was so loud it woke little Chardonnay-Mercedes, My youngest two, Ricky-Leonardo and Britney-Storm slept through the whole thing, but I wasn’t surprised at that, as they had both had 4 spoons of Dozol at 11.45pm so I could get out to the
“Flying Bottle” pub for the last hour”.
Local sources say that Muggings and Car Crime did continue as normal throughout the night. The local branch of St. Vincent De Paul say they have already shipped 400 slabs of
Dutch Gold to the area to prevent Withdrawals as many local ‘off licenses” have been
Destroyed or looted - or both.
Rescue workers searching through the rubble in Hollyhill and have found large quantities of Lone Parent books, Disability books, over 11 thousand Go-Go’s (mostly Baby Blue and Pink), huge amounts of assorted jewelry from “Argos” and lots of Bone China from” Pound City”. Over six thousand unused “Adult Literacy text books” were found in the remains of a shed belonging to local Community worker ‘Stella Nagle”. The books were said to have been found under the remains of her Beloved Pit-Bull ‘Nasher’.
When contacted, Local Gardai said that they are working flat out to re-open Harbour View road before nightfall so that joyriding could continue as usual, but residents on this road are being asked not to put their deck chairs back out in the front gardens to view the joyriding until further notified.
Local Loan Shark Mr. Ray Murray has been quoted as saying “Although this is a terrible tragedy for the Northside, all Loan repayments must still be made this week (or else) and that he would like to take this opportunity to remind all residents of his ‘special offer” on all types of Lino and large patterned net curtains this month in his drapery department.
Continued……..
When asked how this tragic earthquake would affect her life, a local 87yr old woman
Ms. Nora ‘Shawley’Shaw replied “Sure t’wont bodder me t’all boy, my gaff was ruined
anyway boy from the thirteen fuckers that I reared in it, tis the young people I’d be worried for, I’m hoping and praying that there wont be a Hash drought for the young people or dey will go off der games, pure stone mad dey will go boy!.
Gardai have just announced that 91 gold teeth have been found in a hidden fag box in Churchfield Ave, Gardai say they believe the teeth may be linked to the disappearance of 37 Nigerian males from the Shandon St area in recent months,
Sgt, Tony Quilter stated to local youths that if the bodies were returned for Burial or preferably Cremation that no other action would be taken as “they” were only Nigerian and the local lads just got carried away a bit, and after all “Boys will be Boys”.
Sgt Quilter extended the sympathy of the Gardai to remaining family members both in Shandon St. and Africa.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be left alive up there. Clothing is most sought after, Items Required Include:
Nit combs, Fila baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female),
White sports socks, Nike Air basketball boots, Man Utd jerseys, and any other items of clothing sold in Pennys or Dunnes or Michael Guiney’s, the females of the area are in urgent need of Go-go’s and Scrunchies, hoopie ear-rings and light foldable Mc Laren buggies, small quantities of thongs and Penny’s Knickers to keep their ankles warm in this cold spell. Oh and a box of Tampons for the 2 girls in Fairhill who are not Pregnant. (due to no fault of their own).
Foodstuffs Required are: Ready cooked TV dinners, Baked Beans (from Lydl) green ice lolls for the kids (healthy option), Dutch Gold or Special Brew, 220 tons of roll your own tobacco and extra long rizzla papers (can be got in Shandon St.).
Please Remember! € 2 will feed a family on chips and curry for a week, € 8 will take a family to Youghal or Crossa for a day, € 1.50 buys a return ticket to the magic mushroom
field on the Mallow road and 22cent buys a biro for filling in disability or compensation forms.
Please do NOT send Caravans or Tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing springing up in the area may cause jealousy and unrest in the neighboring area’s of Mayfield and
Blackpool.
Cork City Council spokesman Mr. Willie Crowley stated “After this terrible act of God
We the City Council are giving up on collecting ANY of the outstanding rent arrears up there; we will just have to absorb the €43 million loss”.
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