Have My Reservation?
Tears of laughter 
Enjoy
Enjoy(hat tip: Foo)
Tags:
Funny
Comments [0]Dog Diary vs Cat Diary
Dog's Diary entries....
8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....
Tags:
Funny
Fermanagh Pervert
My thoughts have been interrupted by a phonecall from my sister who has recently settled in Fermanagh. She started "You won't believe what just happened"...
She said was taking a stroll down a rode in Fermanagh just now, rounded a corner to find a 35ish year old man sitting in his car jerking off furiously!
"What the fuck!".
The guy was sitting there weapon-in-hand staring at her. He didn't stop. She thinks he drove past her and positioned himself there waiting for her intentionally.
My sister calmly moved to confront him while calling the cops, then read out his number plate to them. Only at that point did the guy stop and say "Ah, don't do that". He then quickly reversed the car away.
Fucking nutjob!
Fair enough if the guy got caught, was embarrassed and stopped; but this guy just kept on going while staring at her.
My sister and I were laughing about it I can't help thinking that if he has so few inhibitions, what might he eventually brazen to do. Especially has it been a more timid person than my sister who encountered him and had he got away with it.
She said Fermanagh people were a bit strange alright. I'm advising my sis to get some pepper spray... or better yet a stun gun. Next nutjob she meets, she could put 2000 volts through his nads.
Filing this under funny - or maybe I should add the keyword "strange". Hmm.
She said was taking a stroll down a rode in Fermanagh just now, rounded a corner to find a 35ish year old man sitting in his car jerking off furiously!
"What the fuck!".
The guy was sitting there weapon-in-hand staring at her. He didn't stop. She thinks he drove past her and positioned himself there waiting for her intentionally.
My sister calmly moved to confront him while calling the cops, then read out his number plate to them. Only at that point did the guy stop and say "Ah, don't do that". He then quickly reversed the car away.
Fucking nutjob!
Fair enough if the guy got caught, was embarrassed and stopped; but this guy just kept on going while staring at her.
My sister and I were laughing about it I can't help thinking that if he has so few inhibitions, what might he eventually brazen to do. Especially has it been a more timid person than my sister who encountered him and had he got away with it.
She said Fermanagh people were a bit strange alright. I'm advising my sis to get some pepper spray... or better yet a stun gun. Next nutjob she meets, she could put 2000 volts through his nads.
Filing this under funny - or maybe I should add the keyword "strange". Hmm.
Flaming
For the record, I am in Galway at an Internet terminal and I am flaming. Happy Days. Roll on the new year. 3 girls trying to convince me to sign up to beb .a sad, i did.
Tags:
Funny
Professor Bedlam
Ha ha - check this out: I was just watching the film My Super Ex-Girlfriend when evil genious professor bedlam mentioned his email was at professorbedlam.com so I paused the movie and checked... lo and behold Professor Bedlam indeed does have a website: http://professorbedlam.com/
I like it
Just thought I'd share that. Now back to the movie...
I like it
Just thought I'd share that. Now back to the movie...
Tags:
Funny
MicroLight - I couldn't resist
Ingredients:
Instructions:
It's pretty cool and as a side-bonus it curdles the milk.
1 half full glass of milk
1 light bulb
1 microwave oven
Instructions:
Take the half-full glass of milk and add light bulb.Enjoy the light show!
Place glass in microwave and set on medium low.
It's pretty cool and as a side-bonus it curdles the milk.
Tags:
Funny
Drunk in Bantry
Warning: Do not watch this unless you are from my home town of Bantry.
This email is doing the rounds:
"
Note to self: Make sure there are no videos around when you are rat-arsed drunk.
This email is doing the rounds:
For the Bantry crew – check out Dave Coakley if you haven’t already.
"
Note to self: Make sure there are no videos around when you are rat-arsed drunk.
Tags:
Funny
EARTHQUAKE HITS CORK CITY
A major Earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale hit Cork in the early hours this morning and the epicenter was on the “Northside” of the city.
When I arrived on the scene in Churchfield early this morning victims could be seen wandering aimlessly about muttering “What the Fucks goin on boy?” “Stony Mad Feen”
“Ah me fucking gaff’s ruined” and ‘What are you looking at ya Langer”.
Local FAS trainee engineer “Shazza Flynn” said large areas have been decimated causing at least €80 worth of damage. He also stated that several priceless collections of mementoes from Santa Ponsa and Butlins were totally destroyed. Three local areas of
Historical burned out squad cars were also disturbed by the Quake.
Many were woken this morning before their Dole Cheques arrived, As we speak locals are running around in string vests enquiring “Was de postman hurt sham”.
One resident, Kylie-Shakira Mullins, a 15yr old mother of five said “It was such a shock,
the noise was so loud it woke little Chardonnay-Mercedes, My youngest two, Ricky-Leonardo and Britney-Storm slept through the whole thing, but I wasn’t surprised at that, as they had both had 4 spoons of Dozol at 11.45pm so I could get out to the
“Flying Bottle” pub for the last hour”.
Local sources say that Muggings and Car Crime did continue as normal throughout the night. The local branch of St. Vincent De Paul say they have already shipped 400 slabs of
Dutch Gold to the area to prevent Withdrawals as many local ‘off licenses” have been
Destroyed or looted - or both.
Rescue workers searching through the rubble in Hollyhill and have found large quantities of Lone Parent books, Disability books, over 11 thousand Go-Go’s (mostly Baby Blue and Pink), huge amounts of assorted jewelry from “Argos” and lots of Bone China from” Pound City”. Over six thousand unused “Adult Literacy text books” were found in the remains of a shed belonging to local Community worker ‘Stella Nagle”. The books were said to have been found under the remains of her Beloved Pit-Bull ‘Nasher’.
When contacted, Local Gardai said that they are working flat out to re-open Harbour View road before nightfall so that joyriding could continue as usual, but residents on this road are being asked not to put their deck chairs back out in the front gardens to view the joyriding until further notified.
Local Loan Shark Mr. Ray Murray has been quoted as saying “Although this is a terrible tragedy for the Northside, all Loan repayments must still be made this week (or else) and that he would like to take this opportunity to remind all residents of his ‘special offer” on all types of Lino and large patterned net curtains this month in his drapery department.
Continued……..
When asked how this tragic earthquake would affect her life, a local 87yr old woman
Ms. Nora ‘Shawley’Shaw replied “Sure t’wont bodder me t’all boy, my gaff was ruined
anyway boy from the thirteen fuckers that I reared in it, tis the young people I’d be worried for, I’m hoping and praying that there wont be a Hash drought for the young people or dey will go off der games, pure stone mad dey will go boy!.
Gardai have just announced that 91 gold teeth have been found in a hidden fag box in Churchfield Ave, Gardai say they believe the teeth may be linked to the disappearance of 37 Nigerian males from the Shandon St area in recent months,
Sgt, Tony Quilter stated to local youths that if the bodies were returned for Burial or preferably Cremation that no other action would be taken as “they” were only Nigerian and the local lads just got carried away a bit, and after all “Boys will be Boys”.
Sgt Quilter extended the sympathy of the Gardai to remaining family members both in Shandon St. and Africa.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be left alive up there. Clothing is most sought after, Items Required Include:
Nit combs, Fila baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female),
White sports socks, Nike Air basketball boots, Man Utd jerseys, and any other items of clothing sold in Pennys or Dunnes or Michael Guiney’s, the females of the area are in urgent need of Go-go’s and Scrunchies, hoopie ear-rings and light foldable Mc Laren buggies, small quantities of thongs and Penny’s Knickers to keep their ankles warm in this cold spell. Oh and a box of Tampons for the 2 girls in Fairhill who are not Pregnant. (due to no fault of their own).
Foodstuffs Required are: Ready cooked TV dinners, Baked Beans (from Lydl) green ice lolls for the kids (healthy option), Dutch Gold or Special Brew, 220 tons of roll your own tobacco and extra long rizzla papers (can be got in Shandon St.).
Please Remember! € 2 will feed a family on chips and curry for a week, € 8 will take a family to Youghal or Crossa for a day, € 1.50 buys a return ticket to the magic mushroom
field on the Mallow road and 22cent buys a biro for filling in disability or compensation forms.
Please do NOT send Caravans or Tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing springing up in the area may cause jealousy and unrest in the neighboring area’s of Mayfield and
Blackpool.
Cork City Council spokesman Mr. Willie Crowley stated “After this terrible act of God
We the City Council are giving up on collecting ANY of the outstanding rent arrears up there; we will just have to absorb the €43 million loss”.
When I arrived on the scene in Churchfield early this morning victims could be seen wandering aimlessly about muttering “What the Fucks goin on boy?” “Stony Mad Feen”
“Ah me fucking gaff’s ruined” and ‘What are you looking at ya Langer”.
Local FAS trainee engineer “Shazza Flynn” said large areas have been decimated causing at least €80 worth of damage. He also stated that several priceless collections of mementoes from Santa Ponsa and Butlins were totally destroyed. Three local areas of
Historical burned out squad cars were also disturbed by the Quake.
Many were woken this morning before their Dole Cheques arrived, As we speak locals are running around in string vests enquiring “Was de postman hurt sham”.
One resident, Kylie-Shakira Mullins, a 15yr old mother of five said “It was such a shock,
the noise was so loud it woke little Chardonnay-Mercedes, My youngest two, Ricky-Leonardo and Britney-Storm slept through the whole thing, but I wasn’t surprised at that, as they had both had 4 spoons of Dozol at 11.45pm so I could get out to the
“Flying Bottle” pub for the last hour”.
Local sources say that Muggings and Car Crime did continue as normal throughout the night. The local branch of St. Vincent De Paul say they have already shipped 400 slabs of
Dutch Gold to the area to prevent Withdrawals as many local ‘off licenses” have been
Destroyed or looted - or both.
Rescue workers searching through the rubble in Hollyhill and have found large quantities of Lone Parent books, Disability books, over 11 thousand Go-Go’s (mostly Baby Blue and Pink), huge amounts of assorted jewelry from “Argos” and lots of Bone China from” Pound City”. Over six thousand unused “Adult Literacy text books” were found in the remains of a shed belonging to local Community worker ‘Stella Nagle”. The books were said to have been found under the remains of her Beloved Pit-Bull ‘Nasher’.
When contacted, Local Gardai said that they are working flat out to re-open Harbour View road before nightfall so that joyriding could continue as usual, but residents on this road are being asked not to put their deck chairs back out in the front gardens to view the joyriding until further notified.
Local Loan Shark Mr. Ray Murray has been quoted as saying “Although this is a terrible tragedy for the Northside, all Loan repayments must still be made this week (or else) and that he would like to take this opportunity to remind all residents of his ‘special offer” on all types of Lino and large patterned net curtains this month in his drapery department.
Continued……..
When asked how this tragic earthquake would affect her life, a local 87yr old woman
Ms. Nora ‘Shawley’Shaw replied “Sure t’wont bodder me t’all boy, my gaff was ruined
anyway boy from the thirteen fuckers that I reared in it, tis the young people I’d be worried for, I’m hoping and praying that there wont be a Hash drought for the young people or dey will go off der games, pure stone mad dey will go boy!.
Gardai have just announced that 91 gold teeth have been found in a hidden fag box in Churchfield Ave, Gardai say they believe the teeth may be linked to the disappearance of 37 Nigerian males from the Shandon St area in recent months,
Sgt, Tony Quilter stated to local youths that if the bodies were returned for Burial or preferably Cremation that no other action would be taken as “they” were only Nigerian and the local lads just got carried away a bit, and after all “Boys will be Boys”.
Sgt Quilter extended the sympathy of the Gardai to remaining family members both in Shandon St. and Africa.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be left alive up there. Clothing is most sought after, Items Required Include:
Nit combs, Fila baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shell suits (female),
White sports socks, Nike Air basketball boots, Man Utd jerseys, and any other items of clothing sold in Pennys or Dunnes or Michael Guiney’s, the females of the area are in urgent need of Go-go’s and Scrunchies, hoopie ear-rings and light foldable Mc Laren buggies, small quantities of thongs and Penny’s Knickers to keep their ankles warm in this cold spell. Oh and a box of Tampons for the 2 girls in Fairhill who are not Pregnant. (due to no fault of their own).
Foodstuffs Required are: Ready cooked TV dinners, Baked Beans (from Lydl) green ice lolls for the kids (healthy option), Dutch Gold or Special Brew, 220 tons of roll your own tobacco and extra long rizzla papers (can be got in Shandon St.).
Please Remember! € 2 will feed a family on chips and curry for a week, € 8 will take a family to Youghal or Crossa for a day, € 1.50 buys a return ticket to the magic mushroom
field on the Mallow road and 22cent buys a biro for filling in disability or compensation forms.
Please do NOT send Caravans or Tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing springing up in the area may cause jealousy and unrest in the neighboring area’s of Mayfield and
Blackpool.
Cork City Council spokesman Mr. Willie Crowley stated “After this terrible act of God
We the City Council are giving up on collecting ANY of the outstanding rent arrears up there; we will just have to absorb the €43 million loss”.
Tags:
Funny
